Archerfriendly Google Search Awards of 2011

Mr. Google is watching you.  He’s even taking notes.  And he remembers.  He has a nice little track record of all your Google searches, and he knows where you’ve clicked around.  He knows you just googled “leather boots” and clicked on the Nordstrom’s search result because all the ads on the sidebars of websites are now showing the exact same leather boots you looked at when you were perusing the selection at Nordstrom’s online shop.  Oh yeah, was that me?

Mr. Google is not the only one spying on your online behavior.  Others are too.  Why?  Because Mr. Schmoogle shares his covert detective work, for FREE, with site owners.  Creepy, huh?

Because of Mr. Google’s online spying program, Google Analytics, I am able to view what Google search entries people used to find my website.  I’ve compiled the top ten most entertaining searches of 2011 below.

1.  “what is it called when a fever fries a kids brain?”

If by frying a kids brain you mean brain damage, that doesn’t occur until a fever hits 107°F, which is very rare.

2. “my son ate all his easter candy, can he get sugar poisoning?”

YES!  It’s called insulin resistance, early onset type II diabetes, and childhood obesity.  Medically speaking, there’s no such thing as sugar poisoning, but there should be!  If your son ate all his easter candy, there is the potential for lead poisoning if the candy was imported from Mexico.

3. “pills for your butt”

No idea how this search entry found my website.  But pills for your butt would be called rectal suppositories.  I haven’t talked about those yet.

4. “where do they sell fever bugs”

In the natural section at Walgreen’s…or Hogwarts.

5.  “two Easter bunnies divorced parenting guidance”

My Peeps Are Cheap article sure brought on some interesting search results… all I know is I sure do feel sorry for the poor kid who’s dad was searching this.

6.  “did the stevia melt the ice cream?”

How does Mr. Google know why your ice cream melted?  Stevia does not melt ice cream, whether sprinkled on top or blended in a homemade recipe.  Given the very low amounts of stevia that is needed to sweeten things, I don’t see it altering the melting point of any ice cream.

7.  “how can I show my moons if I can’t push back my cuticles?”

The white crescent “moon” area on your fingernail is actually called the lunula, which means “little moon” in Latin. I’ve seen plenty of fingernails without the cuticle pushed back, and I can see the moons just fine.  Maybe you should accept your natural crescent factor.

8.  “pamelas products chocolate chip cookies ate the whole thing”

I have done this before.  But I didn’t ask Mr. Google what he thought about it.  Yes, I ate sugar.  Yes, this was before I developed an allergy to tapioca.

9.  “I have yams and I don’t know what to do with them”

Couldn’t you have just typed “yam recipes” or “leftover yams”?  If you’re asking Mr. Goog, he already knows that you don’t know what to do with them.  If they haven’t rotted in your fridge yet (like a bad episode of Hoarders), you can try my Curry Root Fries, Tom Kha Gai Soup, or Saigon Maple Mashed Yams.

10. “can rabbits eat tapioca”

I’m not an expert on pet food allergies, but I think Mr. Google thought I was since I mentioned a special bunny in my Peeps Are Cheap article… the Easter bunny that is.

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2 Responses

  1. Pragati

    Archer, this is hilarious! I was laughing out loud! Thanks for sharing :)


    Dr. Archer

    Your welcome! Thanks so much for commenting. Everyone comments on these on FB and not here!


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