Right Now Doesn’t Mean Forever
there might be something else for you tomorrow, something better
Three weeks ago I stopped at Freddies after a late evening radiology class at a local hospital. I was in the middle of summer quarter, which was also my first quarter back full-time since I had my second baby. I had been out of ready-made food for a few days because my baby had been teething for the entire past week. I was sleep deprived and very low on time. By the third day of living in food scarcity mode, I was hungrier than I wanted to be. I was desperate for food that was ready to eat or brainless to make.
I stopped in front of the vegan Go Raw display in Fred Meyer, which was amusingly located in front of the carnivorous meat section. I saw their Ginger Snaps Super Cookies, and remembered how good they tasted two months ago when sesame seeds were still my friend. I was tempted to dig through the display, ravaging for a Go Raw product that might be free of sunflower or sesame seeds. Instead, I tore myself away, in an attempt to protect myself from the sin of covetousness.
The Go Raw display redeemed itself by leading me straight to the meat. I have never coveted a piece of meat because it has never been taken away and I’m really a veg-head at heart. I ended up finding a hunk of buffalo meat, but I was still begrudged. It needed to be cooked, and I wasn’t willing to do that once I got home at 10pm at night. I still wanted something to pop in my mouth, something to munch, something ready to eat!
“I can still eat pumpkin seeds,” I thought to myself. A spur of food-joy led me to the bulk bin aisle, as I anticipated buying out the raw pumpkin seed bin, even though the little a-f warning facts were streaming through my mind at the same time: the pumpkin seeds were not organic and they were probably imported from China.
I reached above my head to open the raw pumpkin seed bulk bin dispenser chute, anticipating a fast rush of earthy green seeds filling the plastic bulk bin bag. About 1.5 tablespoons worth of pumpkin seeds tumbled into my bag. What? They’re all out? This was the only seed I could eat besides flax seeds, and plain flax seeds from a bulk bin were not a munchable snack option.
I couldn’t keep this tease of seeds. It was laughter in my face, a sort of mocking for my depravity. I tossed the bag in a messy nook above another row of bulk bins, and left it with the rest of the bulk bin trash that others left behind — where it belonged. I swallowed hard to suppress the tears that wanted to pour out my eyes right there in the disheveled bulk bin aisle of Fred Meyer.
Then I felt an overwhelming urgency to leave the store ASAP. I couldn’t stand that I was in there and I didn’t want to look at anything. I hated that to get to the check-out aisle, I had to pass by the peaches, the nectarines, the bananas, and then the carrot juice on the little Odwalla juice stand.
I was tortured in the check-out line while I investigated the woman’s grocery basket in front of me. She was purchasing the typical “healthy” food that’s marketed especially to woman: Luna bars, some Special K variation, and flavored Chobani Greek yogurt. I noticed jealousy rising inside of me, not at her “health” foods, but at the freedom she had to stop at the store after a trip to the gym and re-stock up on whatever she wanted.
Once I got in my car, I couldn’t wait to get out of the lit parking lot so that I could anonymously sob in my car on the way home. When I hit the road, I let myself have at it. Emotion came from within my belly, and expressed itself with tears and trembling.
I cried because this diet isn’t easy. I wish that I could enjoy a summer’s ripe peach without a hypoglycemic event. I wish I could eat a banana with my kids. I wish I could eat cold cow milk with homemade granola for breakfast without triggering an army of insulin to mutilate my blood sugar. I wish I could eat basil pesto brown rice pasta for dinner.
But I can’t eat those things right now.
Maybe things won’t always be like this. Maybe I will be able to eat those things in the future.
Just because my health is like this right now, doesn’t mean it will be like this forever. The science I know so well, it marries the pain of the now, and it fools me into thinking that my health will be like this forever.
But it’s not true. Right now does not mean forever. It just means today. Tomorrow may be different because healing is possible.
What health practice is hard for you right now, but may not be a part of your tomorrow?
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August 27th, 2012 at 9:06 am
I cried as I read this….I wish I was closer. I’d make you food like I used to when you were in College. My little girl, hungry for something ArcherFriendly and I cant be there to help.
August 27th, 2012 at 9:38 am
I’m battling the same thing right now. I get the WORST cravings the week before my period, and I just can’t resist them. I hold-off on them for a few days, but then one day I’ll crack. I’m in that position now. I’m extremely fatigued and bloated, but it doesn’t matter when the craving hits. Nothing else does! I’ve had a trip to the grocery store just like you many times, and it sucks! I guess I never realized that you still go through “it” and have moments like this even years into your a-f journey. This is still my 1st year of being emily-friendly, and I can’t get over the hump of my pms cravings. I am very good the rest of the month, but it’s that one week that really sets me back. Major bummer – especially for someone that always follows the rules & wants to be the best at everything, including a restrictive diet.
August 27th, 2012 at 10:37 am
Emily – thanks for your comment. We are in this together! Yup, I still have days like this… although currently my diet is the most restricted it’s ever been over the life of being a-f. Blessings to you on your emily-friendly journey.
August 27th, 2012 at 10:16 am
Keep your head up. You are so right everything in this world is finite (even our health challenges). So today rest in the peace that healing is possible and affirm that whole and complete health is yours!
August 27th, 2012 at 10:38 am
Keya – thanks so much for your encouragement. I will affirm that for sure!
August 27th, 2012 at 1:14 pm
So sorry that you are so limited with food choices.:(
August 27th, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Oh Archer – I’m so sorry! And I understand. Sweets and high glycemic foods are no longer my friend either. I’ve had so many hungry days getting frustrated in grocery stores.
September 1st, 2012 at 3:59 pm
And again Archer, I say thank you.
September 7th, 2012 at 10:25 am
Thanks for your comment, Janet!